Crossroads

I’m writing this on a park bench with Manhattan in front of me and a Mister Softee truck pulling up behind me.

I feel like I’m at a crossroads in my life and it’s made me question, well, everything.

The joys of unemployment and not being able to find a job that 1) I won’t totally hate in the interim and 2) to make ends meet has been partially why I’ve been questioning my life choices when it comes to my career.

I made my Broadway debut 8 years ago this month, and it is something that I am incredibly proud of and that I will never shut up about. I was the literal embodiment of dreams coming true. To quote the G.O.A.T., John Cena, I “never gave up” on my dream, even though there were plenty of times and several legitimate reasons where I could have.

It took me 22 years to reach the pinnacle, and for 5 years, I was lucky enough to be on top of the world. Then, the Balrog of Morgoth, a demon of shadow and flame from ‘The Lord of the Rings’, cracked its whip (the pandemic) and I barely held on to the edge of nothingness. Like Gandalf, I held on to the edge briefly before falling into the darkness:

Long time I fell,' Gandalf said at last, slowly, as if thinking back with difficulty. 'Long I fell, and he fell with me. His fire was about me. I was burned. Then we plunged into the deep water, and all was dark. Cold it was as the tide of death: almost it froze my heart.

This excerpt from ‘The Two Towers’ describes where I’m at right now.

I’m Gandalf, still falling and fighting the Balrog.

As I’m falling through what seems to be an endless chasm, these are the questions I’ve been facing:

Did I already reach the peak of my career when I was 29?

Were those 5 years it?

Should I do something else with my life that offers financial and emotional stability?

How much longer do I want to keep doing this to myself?

Is performing just a hobby for me?

I think these are all healthy questions to ask as a 37 year old who has always chased the dream, struggled, and somehow persevered.

Performing my original work in December was the most rewarding experience I’ve had in theatre in a very long time and I plan on continuing to refine and rewrite parts of it with the hopes of performing it on a much larger scale. We clearly did something right to be nominated for 4 awards (winning one of them). The show has a ton of potential and I’m going to take my time with its development. But that was a brief moment of joy last year.

How am I still burnt out?

This is another question that keeps popping up. Excluding when I sing for hockey games every now and then, I’ve had only 2 theatre gigs since Phantom closed.

I should have excitement and enthusiasm to go out there and audition, but I don’t.

That’s what scares me.

I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been unlucky with work (both in theatre and 9-to-5 life), or if I’m still grieving losing the best job I’ve ever had in my life, or if I’m still mad that I got fired for bullshit reasons from a job I thought I’d be at for a couple years to help build up my credibility as a teacher, or a combination thereof. The thing that once brought me great joy isn’t fun anymore, or at least right now it isn’t. Having no job, and pretty much no money, doesn’t really help either.

I don’t think it’s from a lack of trying to advance my career, but I find myself sad and tired. I shouldn’t be, but I am. It’s a weird feeling…falling, like Gandalf.

In case if you haven’t read the book or seen the greatest film trilogy ever made, Gandalf and the Balrog keep fighting. They fight from the deepest abyss to the peak of a mountain, where ultimately, the Balrog is slain upon the mountain. Gandalf the Grey dies after fighting for so long and is later resurrected as Gandalf the White, because he had unfinished business to attend to so that Sauron wouldn’t take over the world.

So, at least there is a happy ending at some point. I’m just not there yet.